Carved In Water

                                                             Carved In Water

                                                           by Marco M. Pardi

                                                      All comments welcome

“Have no friends not equal to yourself.” Confucius. (551 – 479BCE) Confucian Analects 1.8.

Friendship is a mysterious phenomenon.  When many people are asked why they have the particular friends they do we often get rather vague, superficial answers. And quite often these revolve around circumstance: were in the same classroom, lived nearby, met at work or through some activity held in common, friend of a friend.  I’ve not yet heard someone say, “He followed me home.” 

So the initial bond, such as it may be, was formed on an external, a kind of neutral template providing the catalysis of two entities which otherwise would not have joined. 

Circumstance obviously has much to do with friendship.  Much to the horror of some readers, there are likely many people around the world who think and feel in ways deeply similar to me.  We will never know of each other, much less become friends.

Recent trends in the social sciences have supported and developed the grouping of people according to, among other things, their interests or their abilities in acquiring friendships.  Little is said of the potential for self-fulfilling prophecy, the concept so often thrown at horoscope groupings.  Read the categorical descriptions, decide which one fits, and conduct one’s self accordingly. As someone on the “cusp” of Libra – Scorpio I’ve always had a back door; it could be either, depending on my mood that day. Through younger years I compromised with Well Balanced Sex Maniac.

But notice I said above, acquiring friendships, not “making friends.” Somehow the image of making was always repellent to me.  Admittedly, I was just short of six years old before having any meaningful contact with anyone even remotely close to me in age.  I’ve wondered if social development goes through stages similar to biological functions, the classic example being non-human animals (even humans) raised in absolute darkness developing poor or absent eyesight.  By starting school in the 2nd grade at age 5 did I pass over the socialization stage most kids experience and develop in pre-school?  Probably.

Most of us have at least read of, if not known people who have had close friendships with someone since pre-school or early grade school.  Having moved around so much I have a hard time imagining that.  I’ve also tried to establish the distinction between an acquaintance and a friend.  The term Friend is far too easily used, and this greatly predates social media such as MyFace, Your Tube and whatever else is floating around.  I’ve heard people say they have lots of friends, but when asked about them they are hard pressed to remember last names, to say nothing of any substantial details.

The cyber world has forever changed the concept of friend.  In its initial year this site was read in 124 countries.  Since then it has stabilized in a steady 77.  Obviously, the vast majority of readers do not comment and their views cannot be assumed.  They are neither acquaintances or friends until they present themselves.  And, there is the occasional individual who attempts an end run around the more socially accepted process.  One reader who perhaps had an issue with my piece on dialect (see: “Old Proverbs…”) attempted to cause me harm.  Be assured, no cyber tracing through this site was necessary or done; simple and reliable HUMINT quickly uncovered the individual and appropriate measures were taken.

The internet is a new avenue for reviving friendships, but another has been around probably since the advent of Man.  Many years ago I had a small, top floor walk-up apartment in a city far from here.  The other apartment across the landing housed Georges Sanguinet and his ailing wife, Marie, both in their late 70’s.  Although my work took 18 – 20 hours a day I found time to befriend Georges, at first by helping him carry groceries up the stairs.  He turned out to be a rich tapestry of life not usually found in history books. In fact, talking with him was an exercise in field ethnology.

And then, his wife died.  I helped him with the arrangements and brought him to the church and the cemetery for services and burial. He seemed to have no one else, at least not close by.  Not much later I was done with my work and had to move thousands of miles away.  I kept in touch by mail as much as I could, but as we so often find, the person began to recede into the rapidly building background of life. My letters went unanswered.

A couple of years later, as I’ve written elsewhere, some colleagues here in the U.S. dropped by my house and asked me to accompany them to see a “Spiritualist”.  I did so and, without my saying a word to this woman she simply said, “George is here. He says it funny, with an S. He’s French. He wants you to know he is with Marie now and he is very happy.” I remember Georges to this day as if I had just left his apartment.  But of course, that’s my friendship. I can’t exactly say to someone, “Meet my friend Georges. He’s dead.”       

At my age I could not begin to tally the acquaintances I’ve had.  The job is far more easily done for friends.  And, through cyberspace some friends long drifted to the background have reentered my life in very meaningful ways.  The old question, I wonder what ever happened to…….. is far more easily answered now that one can enter a name on the internet.  Of course, having an unusual name helps.  And, having the same name over time also helps; women who have followed cultural convention and changed their last names on marriage are all but lost.  But the very fact that the friendship resumes and even deepens after so many years of separation, life events, moves and so on speaks eloquently to the original question of whether this person was initially a friend or an acquaintance. Of course, one can also track those who were distinctly not friends.  As the saying goes, Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

So, what then is a true friend?  Obviously, the answers are many and varied.  But I’ve always felt a true friend is one who is willing to completely hear you out and consider the merits of your view, even if disagreeing with you the entire time.  I do not think a person who gives himself/herself “unconditionally” to someone is a friend; deluded people do that all the time.  A true friend is one who takes the time and makes the effort to deeply analyze who you are and how you conduct yourself accordingly while at the same time giving you to you with eyes wide open.  “Overlooking” is dishonest. It is also not helpful.

Yes, there are ways of blurring the lines between acquaintance and friend, using concepts such as casual friend, work friend – but never social friend, and so on but those concepts rest on the circumstances and not the person.  The ever changing circumstances of everyday life are irrelevant to true friends.

To see true friendship we must marshal the courage to look down through the water at river’s edge, the pretty refractions of light from the little waves dazzling our eyes, the impermanent surface upon which some may seek to carve their place.  We must look to the bedrock over which the water passes, the bedrock which does not merely reflect back to us as if made in our own image.  Through the seasons, through the changing circumstances we might foolishly chase after or wish would come again, the bedrock remains.