Go To Your Room

Marco, I too enjoyed being sent to my room. Unfortunately, once my parents realized that, they would disallow it. I was forced to read out in the living room where they were. Sometimes that’s a comforting memory if things were going well. Later on they would prohibit my closing the bedroom door, even as a teenager. I remember their saying, “You spend too much time in your room.” Since they pre-approved all of my library books and I wasn’t allowed a radio or T.V., I’m not sure what they thought I was doing in there. Michael Jackson’s sister, Janet, has a song that comes to mind, “Control.”

As you know, I’m an introvert and delight in solitude. Staying engaged in some form is important, and I give you credit for our email network, and for inspiring the courage to write publicly. That’s been the most difficult part for me. I’m well aware that small companies lacking ethics will forego background checks to save money. Instead, they perform Internet and social media searches of candidates prior to interviewing them. This can mean an interview won’t be granted at all. That’s a true concern for me if a potential employer is conservative. I wish I didn’t have to worry about it so I could just be myself and write what I’m thinking.

Disengaging from social media in the past (from what little I used it) was crucial for my mental health. We gave the current administration so much of our energy and still do. It’s one thing to be outraged, and so we should be. But I also think of the “definition of insanity.” The “lock her up” memes are still circulating. Cries for impeachment, when people don’t really stop to consider what impeachment will mean. Sometimes I feel those who are zeroed in on impeachment have only one thing in mind – winning. Ironically, it’s also what motivates DT most. Do they stop to consider the prize?

The boundaries I set for myself were never to mention DT by name, and not to share or respond to articles about him. It’s not an easy boundary to maintain. I don’t want to diminish the fear and anger disenfranchised and marginalized people are feeling. They have a right to express themselves, especially if they’ve been silenced and neutralized for decades.

There is this misplaced idea now that we should always be positive, that everything is a mindset, and we manifest what we’re thinking. To an extent this has some value. I’m not going to gripe all day long about the boss to my teammates. That serves no purpose and could place a job in jeopardy. I’ve tried to do this, and smiling more, being cheerful really does boost the mood. But suppressing normal, healthy human emotions like anger can damage mental health. Never allowing myself to be angry only creates more anxiety and places me at risk for further abuse.

Balance is key. I’ll use my local news channel, WSB-TV and their team as an example. For obvious reasons they have to report the news. In that industry I can imagine the ability to compartmentalize is critical. They include quite a bit of “feel good” content that I find uplifting, along with helpful information. Today they had a segment about Flying Change Equine Therapy, and I thought of you. If I immerse myself in upsetting news only, I begin to feel small and helpless again.

While I’ll be thrilled and proud to become a naturalized citizen, I’ll forever consider myself a global citizen. The U.S. interferes far too much in other countries – regime “wars” as an example. If we’re going to interfere, I’d rather we follow The Carter Center’s example. I realize that won’t happen; it would require a miracle. As a citizen (and as a permanent resident), naturally I’ll defend the Constitution. The Founding Fathers did the best they could with what they had. I have little doubt many of their opinions would be far more progressive if they could time travel to 2019. There’s much to be admired in many of them, especially Benjamin Franklin (can’t resist the opportunity to mention him!). My heart hurts for Thomas Paine, knowing less than ten people were at his funeral. While he may not have known that, it still enrages me at times. The history behind his funeral is the reason for my feelings.

The most I hear about George Washington is that “He was a slave owner.” True, but research provides context. George Washington marrying into slave inheritance, as well as how he treated them, shouldn’t be compared to the horrors of slavery we know to be true. He and the Marquis de LaFayette conceived plans to free them. This was well-intended but impossible to bring about. They would likely have ended up in far worse situations without a means to support themselves.

Americans need to know there are minor slaves laboring under the safety of “freedom of religion” today. As you know that I was one of them. My own investigations have confirmed what I know to be true about faith-based operations today; they still utilize child labor to “rehabilitate” wayward adolescents. In Louisiana, by 5 a.m. most mornings, I was working in a large commercial kitchen at fourteen years old. While this is unlawful in the real world, it’s completely okay if the operation is a religious cult. I realize some programs aren’t faith-based and youth are harmed in other ways, but I think the most damaging and dangerous ones are religious. They don’t have to report to the State, which means they don’t have to provide medical care. This is just one example of the horrors in these facilities. They attract the worst predators because background checks aren’t required. Even so, a criminal background check only means someone has been caught. Predators are terrific at evading discovery.

You’ll never hear me chanting, “USA! USA!” or gushing about the “greatest nation in the world.” I find that abhorrent. I can be loyal and uphold the Constitution and the law without being a nationalist. I’ve never supported people who have leaked classified information, and I’ve defended the Intelligence Community. But I can truthfully say this country hasn’t been so good to me, especially as a defenseless adolescent. I’m fortunate to be alive today, but it wasn’t because anyone protected me or had my well-being in mind as a child. I was forced to devise my own plans for survival by keeping my wits about me, and by using psychic displacement to play a role. I’m not opposed to making amends and apologizing to descendants of slaves. The damage over generations and severe prejudice is still going on today. I’ve driven around Atlanta’s worst neighborhoods with tears running down my face. It’s appalling that nothing has really changed. There is still an agenda to oppress groups of people.

But where’s my apology, and that of countless children and teens who today are living with irreparable mental disorders such as PTSD? Even so, what would an apology do? Apologies are trite, much like “thoughts and prayers.” Amending laws and investigating ongoing crimes against humanity would be more productive and meaningful. I can heal my mind only so much. Over the years those who supposedly “loved” me would cruelly demand I stop “living in the past,” while offering no acknowledgment for my suffering. They can’t imagine what it must be like to be caught between two countries who failed them. Why would I want to make a permanent return to what some view as the “promised land?” I don’t think much is different there. There’s a large FLDS population in British Columbia, and the cult in which I was raised, IFB, is all over Canada. Running off to Canada to escape the current administration wouldn’t amount to anything different for me. For all I know, someone has stolen my identity and racked up a bunch of credit card debt in my name. Few realize what it’s like to be forced into a country due to lack of choices, not as a child, but still not an adult.

The other day someone suggested I write about these things from a distance to avoid being egocentric or preachy. I do think it’s good advice for many situations. But when I write, it’s usually you and me in the room, regardless of the channel. Sometimes I write emails to you and then discard the drafts. If I’m going to heal through this medium, I can’t help but use the word “I” over and over again. A word cloud created from everything I’ve written would probably have “I” front and center in the largest font possible.

I don’t care.

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