Suicidal Moments

Suicidal Moments

by Marco M. Pardi

All comments are welcome and will receive a reply. All previous posts are open for comment. This particular post is offered in the hope that the many readers who have not previously commented will do so now. Your safety is assured, and you can contact me by email if you wish your comment posted anonymously.

Recently I was in the process of developing a joint post with Br. Mark Dohle, a Cistercian monk and very close friend, when I received one of my daily emails from a critical literary site to which I subscribe. This site reviews literature, past and present, and is a font of information and critical thinking. By the way, Br. Mark may contribute to this post as well.

On seeing a particular entry I forwarded it to several very close acquaintances, some in the field of Mental Health. None of these people have previously contributed to or commented on the site you are now reading, but given the current crisis involving, particularly, youth suicide, a couple of them have agreed that their responses may be posted and one, with permission, has sent a colleague’s cleaned response. For obvious reasons I have removed all identifiers. The citation for the book follows the discussion.

My take:

Personally, I was around nine years old when I first processed the concept of suicide (sui – Latin, self) (cide – killing). I point this out because I gave this new concept considerable thought. Admittedly, I may be over zealous in examining the meaning of words; American-English is my second language. I wondered, for example, about that trite saying, No greater love…..than to lay down one’s life for another. Is that not suicide? Does the Church give this person a pass from eternal Hell? We give medals to soldiers who throw themselves on live grenades, supposedly to save their nearby buddies. Isn’t that suicide? There has never been a day in my daughter’s life when I would not have stepped in front of a bullet meant for her. But then, I’ve been shot before. Maybe I just don’t think it would kill me.

Later in my youth I read about slow motion suicide, a lifestyle certain to bring a premature end. Does that cast doubts on people who are, for whatever reason, in high risk jobs, high risk sports?

But what really set me off was the discovery that, in mental health interviews with patients and even in general health questionnaires we find the question, in various forms, Have you ever thought about suicide? In discovering a new concept who with an I.Q. greater than a doorknob has NOT thought about it, not to do it but to understand it? I concluded people who answer No to the question about suicidal thoughts are either liars or doorknobs.

I am further disdainful of those who carelessly use the term “commit” when referencing suicide. I realize commit signals a final and perhaps irretrievable act, but I feel it is too tainted by its usage in criminal matters. And I do not view suicide as necessarily criminal. So, I prefer to use the term perform, as in He performed suicide. It wasn’t that long ago that suicides were forbidden church funerals or burial in “sanctified ground”. And, suicide is still viewed by many as prima facie evidence of mental illness. Hopefully, we are past that.

And then, there are always those simpletons who say about a suicide, They took the easy way out. I will say firmly, these are people who never seriously came close to examining the possibility for themselves. They never stared down the barrel of a loaded and cocked firearm, never held a full container of pills and thought about it. They are like the matinee soldiers I despised throughout my life.

Another area, which I have discussed in previous posts on this site, is that of medically assisted dying. Where it is legally possible in the United States the lethal dose of medication must be taken by the patient with no assistance from anyone else. Think about that. I was asked to discuss the Brittany Maynard case on nationally broadcast radio. In that situation the patient, Ms. Maynard, had to reach the conclusion that she would soon be disabled by her inoperable brain cancer to the point where she would not be able to take the medication herself. Thus, a seemingly “healthy” young woman took the medication and expired. Yes, she “killed herself”. Does this fit the commonly accepted definition of suicide?

What follows below is a response to the book review I mentioned above. This is a mid-level executive in a highly respected and successful profession living in the Pacific Northwest. (The script may be a bit off since we used different email systems.)

“I read this article last night and would like to read the book. I’ve never read anything so detailed and compelling about suicide attempts and ideation. I’ve lived with ideation so long it seems a part of my core. That includes all the ways I might attempt suicide, and have even tried to research those so I won’t botch it. There is actually very little information available online. That’s usually the only thing that prevents carrying out plans – fear of a failed attempt and placing myself in a worse situation. I rarely think about anyone being devastated, because I mostly don’t feel loved by anyone regardless.

Yesterday I spent my day kicking myself over and over for not letting hypothermia kill me. I kept thinking how it would have been the perfect exit. When I was actually experiencing it I did not think that, although I wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I knew on some level I was probably going to die if I didn’t make the emergency call, yet I allowed the condition to go on for four hours. Now I’m reading how much hypothermia clouds the judgment.

One of my coworkers is a brilliant person, and has survived a lot, including parental abandonment, foster care, and cancer. They are basically one of the reasons I stay in a miserable job. Yesterday we discussed the Japanese term “karoshi” (death by overwork). We also discussed how we both virtually never stop moving and rarely take breaks – completely abusing our bodies through hard work. We even joked that sometimes we wish for death so that we would never have to work again. Yet sometimes my own experience seems like another version of slow suicide.

Some of the most brilliant people are stuck in some of the worst situations. I can understand how death seems the only way out sometimes. That’s usually my mentality, along with some pretty severe neurological and social challenges that I now know are permanent. The social ones have improved, and it has helped knowing that I have OCD. I’ve been transparent with my team about my challenges. They are sympathetic, and most constantly tell me to slow down and stop overworking.

Yesterday I found out someone at another company location ended their life. This had me wondering if they were as fed up with the company as I am, along with the corporate greed that goes along with it.

As for the author of this article and book – what a courageous person to write their story. I am always terrified to call suicide hotlines because I know they can send law enforcement. The anxiety of having to disclose my address prevents me from calling. But, I’m never actively forming a plan or about to do anything stupid. I had a botched attempt (fifteen years old), as did my sibling when they were thirteen, and of course our mother’s attempt in my early childhood. So mine are mostly just thoughts.

Thanks for sharing this. I feel on some level you understand ideation, though I’m not pressing you to share.“

clancy-martin-on-the-contradictions-of-living-through-suicidal-moments/

Clancy Martin on the Contradictions of Living Through Suicidal Moments

I found this interesting, as I trust you did as well. I happen to know I am about 30 years older than this person, and that may factor in as I easily recall the many people, including close relatives, I watched enter a long term, miserable decline from which they never emerged in living form. How many of us have similar experiences with loved ones, and come away saying I don’t want to live that way. No, I don’t have any intentions of ending my life. But I have every right to take issue with those who demand that other people “let Nature take its course, in its own time” , or, “Only God can decide when you die”.

I am as much a part of Nature as anything else, so my acts, whatever they may be, are natural. As for God, you know I am not a deist but just for the sake of argument what’s to say I can’t claim God told me to do it. Have you got a back-channel to God to fact check my claims?

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